Life's Reset Button

I don't know if anyone's ever told you, or if you've ever thought the same thing at some point, but life can be very, very frustrating, difficult and confusing at times.

I'm not looking for pity, but I've struggled recently. I feel kind of lost. Not that I don't have anything to do, because I'm plenty busy, but just lost amongst everything. There's so much on my mind at the moment and I think at the forefront of it all is God.

Anyone who knows me knows what I believe. I'd rather call myself a follower of Christ than Christian but the latter is easier to use in conversation so I'll run with that for the sake of typing. I remember being asked when I was a bit younger whether being a Christian makes life easier or harder. I don't think there's a definitive answer. But at the moment, it seems so complicated.

I'm sure I'm not the first or last to have what I call a 'pagan point', that point in time where you just have no desire to follow what you believe. But I have most definitely had one recently, and am probably still in one if I think about it. I want to know where I fit into my youth group, my church, God's plan for everything. In the past, I've found that God sometimes pulls away - keeps himself at a distance, for example - in order for us to be tested. How we respond is up to us. Maybe I'm going through one of those points at the moment.

It seems like I can't even get the motivation to do the small stuff right. I haven't read my bible or been to church on a Sunday night recently because I just feel like I don't want to be around something I don't understand when everyone else seems to be getting it, even though they're probably struggling with their own stuff too.

The thing is, I WANT to want it. I want to feel that enthusiasm and have the desire to go to church and help the kids at youth and invest in their lives, or be a conduit for God to move in them. But I just feel confused instead, and conflicted. I need God to rescue me, and soon, because I don't have the strength in me to do it alone. I'm not enough to save myself.

I'm searching for that moment, God, if you're listening - I could use a hand if you've got one spare.